Wearing a tuxedo. During the day.

Money: wherever I go, it follows. I’m an Investor and Philanthropist, and I do my best philanthropy at $10k-a-seat fundraisers with friends who I invest with.

Unkempt hair, scowling and looking beyond the camera, wearing a heavy black mac coat.

Currently seeking internships at serious magazines. ‘Achievement’ is a reductive term, but if I must: I’ve written an epic poem that deftly counter poses the impotent, stultifying patois of Washington with the nascent but infantile mewling of a disenfranchised proletariat finally-awoken. , Designer.

Chin on hand.

I’m bold and a great leader but also thoughtful.

Chin on both hands.

I write self-help books about relationships.

Showing a lot of cleavage (F).

I’m a Prestige Property Broker who knows exactly what you’re looking at. I use expressions like “firm offer” and “hard assets”, and when I show you a place you can’t afford I’ll sit on the bed and tell you your wife must be a lucky woman. I have a special offer for you — 10% more.

Showing a lot of cleavage (M).

I’m a deal-maker. It’s just what I do — make deals. My excessive self-confidence and go-get-‘em attitude totally make up for my lack of interpersonal skills.

Washed-out complexion, suited, looking depressed.

Corporate lawyer who specializes in M&A, international commercial litigation and missing my daughter’s birthday.

Two people in the photo.

I’m accomplished at making your life difficult.

Bag of weed on the table in the background.

High attention to detail. Also, high.

Snapchat profile picture.

34-year-old Social Media Ninja who genuinely believes that Millennial signifies something other than age.

Looks like a stock image with the tags “teamwork” and “diversity”.

I am an HR professional whose passion is people. As you can see from this photo of me talking to a ‘triple-threat’ equal opportunity quota-filler (gay, Jamaican, female), I transcend stereotypes and bring people together, passionately.

A photo of Beyonce.

We’re like literally twins!

Looking up the nose, the frozen expression of an interrupted Skype call.

I’ve never used my camera phone before. Yes, I work in tech, but on important stuff like database security. Stop wasting my time.

Wearing a Princeton sweater, chugging a beer.

HOYAS! My dad already got me a job at Goldman Sachs.

A photo from 2004.

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I’d still have this shirt if my wife hadn’t thrown it out.

No photo.

I have a LinkedIn account’

Wearing a wireless headset and smiling.

Hi! I’m Mike and your call is important to me. Seriously. My company has a monopoly so they don’t give a fuck about customer service, and my boss is about to give my job to someone in the Phillipines called “Brad”. Please call.

Self-portrait — oil on canvas.

Sub-editor for The Onion… or am I’ Irony is fun.


This is like Tinder, right’

Holding a rifle.

This is like Tinder in Arkansas, right’

Instructed by a professional photographer to “Pretend someone’s just told you a great joke but make it natural.”

Despite my reputation as a ruthless and capricious CEO, I’m really laid back, honest. Just a regular Joe. Excuse me for a moment… What part of RIGHT FUCKING NOW didn’t you understand, Howard’

At a podium giving a talk.

Speaker. Thinker. Other Qualities Common to All Humans, Capitalized.

Wearing Google Glass and a faded Three Wolf Moon T-shirt.

I can’t wait to be a cyborg.

Wearing a Stanford CS polo shirt, looking smug.

Everyone tells me I am God’s gift and life has not yet offered evidence to the contrary. Currently scoffing at offers of less than $200k + equity.

Wedding photo (F).

I’m so tired of talking about my wedding… it was in September, and we decided on September — well, I decided; Paul didn’t life a finger, of course — because…

Wedding photo (M).

This is the only photo that exists in which I look presentable. lol funny so true